When Abstinence is Not the Answer


Oi this woman. I wanna smack her and give her a hug at the same time. People are so messed up when it comes to sex!!

So many red flags here to address, we’ll just have to list them all:

There is a difference between abstinence and chastity. Abstinence is saying no to sex. Chastity is saying YES to God’s plan for sex. Teaching kids to say no to sex without adequate explanation or guidance is the same thing as saying “Don’t Smoke, Because I Said So”. Why would any child take you seriously?

The only way abstinence pledges will work is if the person making the pledge “gets” the whole picture. A ten-year-old especially today would be unlikely to “get it” because of Comprehensive Sexual Education (from here on out referred to as CSE) which is so far removed from chastity education it ain’t funny. That’s why we see these stories of abstinence pledges “not working”. How do we expect a ten-year-old girl to understand exactly what she’s saying yes or no to, when she takes an abstinence pledge? Unless there is adequate, consistent, continuous information/formation behind the decision, chances are that pledge means nothing to the person and may eventually backfire, as we see here.

There’s a difference between EXTRAMARITAL SEX and PREMARITAL SEX. Both go against God’s design for sex, but it is important to understand the distinction. EXTRAMARITAL SEX is sex with someone other than your spouse. PREMARITAL SEX is sex with someone prior to marriage.

I don’t know what church she goes to or which Bible she’s referring to, but the Christian Bible does NOT teach that ONLY women should remain pure. The Bible does NOT teach or condone misogyny. On the contrary, the Bible calls EVERYONE to purity and chastity: singles, men, women, those who self-identify as homosexual, and YES, even MARRIED people. (This is also why you gotta be picky about what Bible you’re reading — they’re not all the same, but I digress.)

Sex within marriage is meant to be both UNITIVE and PROCREATIVE. It is not about “duties” or “fulfilling someone’s sexual needs”. That is a very distorted view of sex and one that we need to correct wherever we see it.

If GOSSIP were the *lifeblood* of ANY church, then that church would hardly be Christian. If the previous sentence is how one understands church, then a) the basic understanding of church is already flawed and b) the basic understanding of CHRISTIANITY is also flawed, right off the bat.

Holding on to virginity is not about having something to brag about. Sure, it’s admirable. But to hold on to purity so that it could be the source of PRIDE is missing the point. Holding on to purity is holding on to God’s GIFT. While yes, we could be great examples to younger girls, and that’s certainly something to shoot for, that is not the primary purpose of living a chaste life.

Just like SLUT is not an identity, VIRGIN is not an identity either. We are made for so much more than sex. The mantra “My Body, My Choice” is not a Christian mantra. Christ died on the Cross, for goodness’ sake! This author actually found a man who respected her wishes to wait until marriage. He was actually following Christ’s example to *die to self*. That in itself is remarkable and a gift of grace. How many men out there today can say the same thing?

“What is sexual enough” is NOT the question that needs asking. Everything we do when it comes to sex, whether prior to or after marriage, is about giving God’s gift the proper respect and reverence it deserves.

Whether someone is a virgin or not is a PRIVATE matter. It’s not something you need to advertise. Granted, it is a shame that we now have to worry about sexually transmitted diseases and it’s probably a good idea to know your fiance/fiancee’s STD status before you utter those vows, but that is still a conversation that needs to take place between two people considering marriage — it is not for public consumption. In fact, any discussion about sexuality rightly belongs between a man and a woman headed toward marriage, and anything deviating from this is an abuse of the spousal privilege that should be reserved between married persons or those engaged to be married. (An example of acceptable discussion on sexuality between unmarried people would be between a woman and her fiancé as they discuss options for Natural Family Planning in reference to their wedding date and honeymoon.)

Using contraception on your wedding night is a great way to start a marriage. NOT.

If sex is/was painful, inexperience with sex is not necessarily THE reason. Pain-free sex is NOT dependent on whether you have sex before or after marriage. If anything, sex could be more painful prior to marriage because not only are people dealing with inexperience but also with youth, immaturity, impatience, ignorance, etc. While inexperience with sex may be a contributing factor, there may be other things, including medical conditions or an anatomical problem, or contraceptive use which can cause vaginal dryness. A good pro-life OB-GYN doctor can help address these issues. Planned Parenthood will probably tell you to try a whip. Don’t confuse things.

Chastity is first and foremost between you and God. Because chastity isn’t just a physical thing, it’s a HEART thing. And only God knows your heart. But understanding God’s plan for sex and marriage provides us with the proper framework in which to understand and live chaste lives.

Sex according to God’s design is SACRED. Any message or teaching that detracts from this truth is not from God, EVEN if it comes from your pastor’s mouth. Sex according to God’s design is FREE, TOTAL, FAITHFUL, FRUITFUL. Does that mean easy? No, because marriage is a journey, and sex is just one small part of that journey. It’s also a journey that transforms both spouses, and saying I Do at the altar doesn’t automatically translate to bliss in bed. If that’s what your church is teaching you, come check out the Catholic Church. We don’t compromise on the truth.

If you hate sex, don’t stop there. Aversion to sex may be related to self-esteem issues, or hormonal imbalance, or past physical or psychological trauma. Get professional help and find out what can be done. But don’t blame “not losing virginity before marriage” for it. Married sex is still sex between two fallen creatures and therefore it won’t be perfect or blissful, certainly not all the time, and quite possibly not the first time. Sex is a language that is learned and developed between spouses within marriage — it’s not an instant thing, but learning together is what grows a good marriage.

Men who put their wives’ sexual needs high up on the scale of priorities aren’t necessarily feminists. There’s no need to put the FEMINIST label on simple decency and kindness and consideration that all CHRISTIAN men aspire to, or should if they aren’t. Learning about the gift of sexuality and fertility is one way to demonstrate this, and marriage is the perfect venue for such learning. So no, you weren’t sold a fairy tale. You were sold LIES. And I’m happy that you found your way out of some of those, but the whole TRUTH is still out there, waiting for you and others to discover it.

The rest of the article is just more whining and griping about the “disadvantages” of staying a virgin prior to marriage, all of which come from a misunderstanding and misinterpretation of God’s design for human sexuality and marriage.

I couldn’t figure out how to be both religious and sexual at the same time.

The only reason this statement rings true for you is because the stuff you learned via your religion and your sexuality don’t match up.

Contrast that with the Catholic view of human sexuality:

St. John Paul II’s Theology of the Body
Holy Sex!: A Catholic Guide to Toe-Curling, Mind-Blowing, Infallible Loving
Mulieris Dignitatem: On the Dignity and Vocation of Women
Casti Connubii: On Christian Marriage
Love and Responsibility
Man and Woman He Created Them
Theology of the Body for Teens (preferably taught in small group sessions involving parents and their teens)
Humanae Vitae: On the Regulation of Birth
Live Pure Movement
Chastity Project

Divorce — A Daughter’s View

Contributor Post: Ann Christine Sison

My parents just celebrated their 31st wedding anniversary 5 days ago. You can say that my mom is one of the so-called “June bride.”

Their 31 years of being together produced nine kids…and I’m a witness to their struggle and sacrifices just to give us a good future.

And now, my parents are starting to reap what they sow in us….a better life than before. You see, we’re not a rich family, but my parents did everything just to meet both ends for us…and also just to stay together as husband and wife.

My parents were not different from other couples…they also have their quarrels and misunderstandings. At one point, they’re reached the verge of separation. Yes, I can still remember that day where I thought everything is going to end for our family. Now we wonder what make them stay with each other and reached this 31 years of being together…further reflection, I believe that there’s one thing that kept them to stay by each other’s side: us, their children.

Divorce is prominent now in the lives of some famous people. The sad thing is, this kind of lifestyle, as other sees it, imprints the message to the people that divorce is an acceptable thing, but it is not. I know all of us know the saying “Ang pag-aasawa ay hindi parang kaning mainit na iluluwa mo na lang pag napaso ka.” Simply put, marriage is not something that you turn your back to, that you can consider to be void when the going gets tough between you and your partner. That’s why it is still a wise thing to know first your partner well before settling down. Its sad to think that a lot of young people nowadays are so in a hurry to get married, only to find out that they’ve married a beast and not their prince. What’s worse, their union produces a child whom they ignore because they’re so busy healing themselves from the pain they’ve inflicted on each other. In the end, the one who suffers the most from their separation is their child.

I’m not a married person, but if my parents choose to separate that time before, I belive, I will become one of the burden of this society…a product of a broken family…a broken person with an unsure future. Thank God that they didn’t.

Here’s the thing: Divorce is an attribute of the selfish and the coward. Selfish because couples only thought of themselves and they neglect to nuture their child with parental love and provide them with a good environment – a complete family. Couples choose to think only of their own rights, of their own convenience. Coward because instead of facing and talking to each others to settle their differences and to decide to meet halfway, they choose to run away. Coward because they failed to practice one attribute of a really strong person – humility and forgiveness. A married friend once told me this valuable lesson about his married life: he loves his wife not because of what he feels towards her, but he CHOOSE to love her, no matter what the circumstances or his feelings might be. I think this is the same thing for my parents who choose to love each other in spite of everything that they’ve been through in life.

Recently, a lot of my contemporaries are now married or getting themselves ready to be married. So far, I can see for those who are married enjoying their family life, and I’m happy for them. I only pray that when things gets tough for their married life, they must remember these things so they can save their marriage: learn to be selfless, brave, humble, understanding, forgiving and loving…just like what my parents did in 31 years.

Apostolate for Family Consecration Update

Change of AFC Strategy for its Asian Missions

We must be clear: we are closing a facility, not pulling out of Asia. The mission of the AFC continues to thrive under the leadership of Lay Evangelization Teams. We are humbled and enthusiastic to be serving the Church at this time in history when so much renewal is coming from Asia. We look forward to being able to serve families throughout Asia from the “grassroots” up without the considerable demands of maintaining a local physical center.

Frequently Asked Questions about the Change of AFC Strategy for its Asian Missions

January Blogging Event Roundup: Being Pro-Life in an Anti-Life World

Let’s Talk About Sex, Contraceptives and Abortion

Think about this though: If we promoted fidelity among married spouses, sexual abstinence and purity among the youth, and chastity in general (for married and single people alike) instead of “the easy way out” i.e. contraception (and in other countries where it’s legal, abortion) wouldn’t the need to “stay safe” disappear because you are already practicing safe practices in the first place?

The Abortionist’s Dictionary

In the Philippines, perhaps now is the best time to take a peak at The Abortionists’ Dictionary, since the most notorious abortionists from all over the world are gathered at the PICC right this second, for the 7th APCRSHR (Asia Pacific Conference on Reproductive Health and Sexual Rights), trying to indoctrinate the youth to a culture of death. The most rabid among the Pro-RH group are also present there, of course. Today is the third day of the conference and according to the event’s programme, by now they have already tackled the “strategies and challenges in the abortion advocacy.” I hope that this guide will help the unsuspecting attendees of the 7th APCRSHR see the truth behind the lies.

Why I’m Pro-Life, Anti-Artificial Contraception and Think That Reproductive Health Bill is Totally Unecessary

Since I was in high school, the issue of contraception has been my pet peeve. I had to write an assigned article, elaborating on the artificial methods of contraception as well as the reason why it was immoral. Pretty hard to digest for a teenager then. But I did get the point of the Church’s teaching on it: Separating the procreative and unitive aspect of sex from each other was what made it against the natural law and therefore immoral in itself (the same principle applies to the immorality of doing an in-vitro fertilization procedure, but that’s a whole other story).

On Being Pro-Life

5. Being Pro-Life does not only mean being anti-abortion. It also means being against contraception, gay marriage and assisted suicide or euthanasia. To compromise in one is to lose the battle by default because all these are the different “fronts” in the battle for life.

Raising Pro-Life Children Amid a Culture of Death

39. Hang around pro-life families; it helps to have kindred spirits who care about the same things you do.
40. Teach them about the spectrum of pro-life thought.
41. Limit exposure to traditional media. Remember that if you’re reading, watching, listening to what everyone else is reading, watching, and listening to — then you’re thinking like everyone else. Garbage in, garbage out.
42. Take time to journal the positive stuff. Because 5, 10 years from now, you may forget those little things, like the toddler’s first words. Take pictures.
43. Get them around good nuns and priests. Encourage a vocation to the religious life. Pray for it, and pray for the strength to be the supportive parent if and when a child should decide to become a priest or nun.
44. Pray for their future spouses. There are too many broken people out there who need our prayers — some of them may end up marrying our children.

Tama Na Sana, Minali Pa

Kung alin ang normal noon, yun na ang pinupuntirya ngayon. Sabi kasi natin noon, karapatan natin ang maging iba. At sumobra naman ata. Ginusto na ng marami sa atin ang maging iba na umabot sa punto na nagkapare-pareho na sila. At kung ano ang natural, yun ang naging kakaiba. At yun ang kanilang pinagkakaisahan. Bandwagon lang kadalasan at hindi pinagiisipan. Kasi nga, baka yun kasi ang uso. Na lahat e karapatan na lang natin at wala na yung responsibilidad.

F4L December Blogging Event: What Child is This? Bearing Children as the World’s Salvation

Raising Children to Be Witnesses, Not Just Spectators:

There is nothing that builds character and virtue more than inconvenience and challenges. Every sensible parent (even the one’s who have fallen into this downsizing trap) will agree that over-indulgent parenting is dangerous and yet, that is the side-effect limiting the number of children for purely economic reasons will bring; Children who see themselves as the center of the world. It also shows a lack of faith since it tells God that it is WE who are in control of our future. I have often pondered why many priests and religious seem to come from large families. It is probably because in large families, children tend to look outside of themselves more than those raised in small ones.

Fiat and the Family

Bearing a child, as the Holy Family demonstrated, did not end with Mary giving birth. The proper raising of children is a lifetime commitment. While we have the responsibility to see to our children’s physical, mental and emotional well-being, more important than any of those is their spiritual well-being. Every child we bear is another FIAT to life. Continuing to emulate Joseph and Mary, we see that each child is called to be another Christ, and how we raise him/her necessarily becomes reflective of that. Our job as parents is to teach them how to give that wholehearted Fiat as well when their time comes.

What Child Is This?

After pleading to God, I imagine God saying, “Relax. I am God. You are my child. I permitted your creation. I wanted you to be born. I want you to live. I love you.”

5 Answers To Usual Remarks I Get as a “Pro-lifer” Dad With a New Born Kid

“You are pro-life, right? If that’s the case then I wanted to see you have more than just one kid.”

It’s one of those friendly(?) remarks I was getting from people who are aware of my stand regarding the RH bill. I rarely want to put a tag on myself but yes, I’m adhering to what the pro-life people are believing and following. But it’s not surprising that being pro-life is oftentimes misunderstood by many. We’re being accused of just focusing about people being born safely but not caring for the quality of life that these babies are facing in the future. Pondering on that, it is what exactly meant for us. Being pro-life is a holistic approach of caring for what’s good for a person physically, emotionally, spiritually, mentally and economically. And I think that’s what I’m trying to practice. Maybe one way of doing that was how my wife and I have waited and planned for some years before marrying and starting a family and having our own kids.

Tomorrow’s people: bearing children before and after birth

The unborn may not yet be citizens of the Philippines, because citizenship is acquired at birth. But we can speak of potential citizenship. If the government thinks of its citizens as human resources and not as liability, then the unborn is a human resource that needs to be nurtured and protected, so that they would soon be born in the Philippine soil and become active participants in the development of the nation. As Dr. Jose Rizal, our national hero, said, “Ang kabataan ang pagasa ng bayan” or “The children are the hope of our nation.” For it is the children who would replace their parents in the workforce as scientists, engineers, doctors, teachers, nurses, police, carpenters, drivers, and garbage collectors. Yes there are machines and technology to make jobs easier, so that several hectares of farm can be tilled by one man alone for example, but men and women are still needed to operate the machines, fix them, maintain them, and make them better.

What Child Is This? A Guest Post

I asked my father, “Did you ever think of having children when you planned to get married?” By the way, he had vasectomy after having the third child, me.

So, asking my father for his opinion has a bitter taste to me. For I am a prolife child of God.

Well, he answered me with caution. He knew my stance and yet he wants to be open about the honesty behind contraceptive mentality.

He said, “Yes indeed! I wanted to have a family when I decided to get married.” However he said, “You know there are couples especially from other countries, like Japan and America, who are not thinking of having kids when marrying. They either adopt when they get older or they get dogs as kids.”

I said, “Yes of course. I know that.”

So, turning tables, I keep the question to my youthful self. Why bring a child into this messy world?

By the way, I am single.

(While writing this, I’m whispering to God, “Help me!”)

After pleading to God, I imagine God saying, “Relax. I am God. You are my child. I permitted your creation. I wanted you to be born. I want you to live. I love you.”

So, I am born. I live. I write. I think. I observe. I study. I learn. I compare other people. I trace history. I watch TV. I read newspapers. I listen to people’s sad and not so sad stories. I commute to work. I obey strangers to cooperate. I envy. I demand. I object. I understand. I influence. I get scared. I pray. I sacrifice. I love. I miss. I dream. I question. I answer. I speak.

Maybe God was right when he permitted me to live. Because I am pro-God, I will prove my God is right.

- Cheryl Dayrit


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